??? Things are getting better. I knew they would. NO MORE BULLSHIT. NO MORE BULL. NO MORE SHIT. Time to relax.
www.twitter.com/thomasjaylives
July 8, 2011
June 18, 2011
BUS BLUES
You know when bands have tour buses? Yeah, we have mega bus. I'm not going to complain about the prices, they're great. I will complain about these two girls sitting in front of me. I have no idea who they are but I'm going to breakdown my assumptions about them judging from the conversation I can't help but overhear:
One of them is named Rachel. She has recently fallen in love with art. I assume this because Van Gogh is her "favorite artist of like all time. Omgah!" All I have is hatred for her. Her laugh sounds like a seal blowing a whale dick while getting its salad tossed. Can't imagine it? Google it. Wait, no. Google image it. Sweet right? Absolutely not.
Oh look! Rachel has just become aware that the entire bus hates her so she brings her apelike volume to an apelike whisper. Don't you hate when people whisper so loud it makes it pointless? Plus she sounds like a pedophile at a baptism.
Her friend dwarfs her in crudeness. I think this girl's name is Britney or Shitney. I'll go with Shitney of course. First off, I was under the impression that girls care about the way they smell. Bath and Bodyworks is an entire store dedicated to not smelling like shit, but Shitney over here must have passed that store up at the mall. Instead, she went straight to Hot Topic and just absorbed all of that sweaty, bile inducing, teenage body odor. She smells like a penis. Straight up balls and penis.
It's her pits. I can't see them but I know she has a colony of armpit lice that love it there. Its like fucking palm springs under her arms, miserable. Fucking gross. At least the lice will never go thirsty, plenty of sweat there. She needs to leave.
Remember the bus accidents happening not too long ago? Well...I won't go that far.
Anyway, looking forward to Philadelphia.
One of them is named Rachel. She has recently fallen in love with art. I assume this because Van Gogh is her "favorite artist of like all time. Omgah!" All I have is hatred for her. Her laugh sounds like a seal blowing a whale dick while getting its salad tossed. Can't imagine it? Google it. Wait, no. Google image it. Sweet right? Absolutely not.
Oh look! Rachel has just become aware that the entire bus hates her so she brings her apelike volume to an apelike whisper. Don't you hate when people whisper so loud it makes it pointless? Plus she sounds like a pedophile at a baptism.
Her friend dwarfs her in crudeness. I think this girl's name is Britney or Shitney. I'll go with Shitney of course. First off, I was under the impression that girls care about the way they smell. Bath and Bodyworks is an entire store dedicated to not smelling like shit, but Shitney over here must have passed that store up at the mall. Instead, she went straight to Hot Topic and just absorbed all of that sweaty, bile inducing, teenage body odor. She smells like a penis. Straight up balls and penis.
It's her pits. I can't see them but I know she has a colony of armpit lice that love it there. Its like fucking palm springs under her arms, miserable. Fucking gross. At least the lice will never go thirsty, plenty of sweat there. She needs to leave.
Remember the bus accidents happening not too long ago? Well...I won't go that far.
Anyway, looking forward to Philadelphia.
June 16, 2011
ASDF JKL;
YES, today I am typing from work so there will be no "p" issue on this keyboard (see first post). In lieu of this, I present to you:
Posting Preciously Pressing "P"
Pleased policemen picked paper pockets, punishing padded pedophiles. Presently, Peter Parson pranked Pamela Pinkerton, pooping pails packed playfully. Pardon, pandas, parrots, peacocks, pelicans, penguins, pigs, pigeons, platypuses, ponies, porcupines, puppies poop politely, people.
PALABRA PLANET!
This bitch muppet hillbilly gets it! HUBBA HUBBA!
And that's what I wanted to do on my lunch break.
Posting Preciously Pressing "P"
Pleased policemen picked paper pockets, punishing padded pedophiles. Presently, Peter Parson pranked Pamela Pinkerton, pooping pails packed playfully. Pardon, pandas, parrots, peacocks, pelicans, penguins, pigs, pigeons, platypuses, ponies, porcupines, puppies poop politely, people.
PALABRA PLANET!
This bitch muppet hillbilly gets it! HUBBA HUBBA!
And that's what I wanted to do on my lunch break.
June 15, 2011
YOU'VE GOT YOUR PROBLEMS BABY
The beauty of this song will haunt my dreams forever. I remember bumping this song back when overalls were the shit, LA Gears were PIMP as fuck, and saturday morning cartoons were still...saturday morning cartoons. This song is such the jam.
Anyway, I ate a burger the size of my ass today. I have cramps.
June 14, 2011
CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS?
The premise behind this blog was to write only when wasted off of at least 120oz of beer.
Can you believe I actually had three 40oz of beer tonight? This is a rare occurrence. Do the math. That is 120 oz! Dude, sweet.
So the pressure to write about something important is mesmerizing and terrifying. Okay, let's do the rant typical to this blog.
Why I hate infomercials:
The actors hired for infomercials are fucking stupid. I feel like the directors or casting people look for the most fugly ass mother fuckers on the street and say, "Hey, want to make 10 dollars?" And these gross ass fuckers say, "YES!" From weight loss to diabetes, informercials are just fucking stupid. I can't imagine the kind of person who would be swayed by this. Like, OMG a six pack by just sitting in my couch watching the Kardashians? I'm fucking over it.
William Mark Russell exclaims, "Have you or have not you doesn't take any mo' then not mo'?"
Well said Jedi!
I heard fat people have small penises. Jabba disagrees.
Can you believe I actually had three 40oz of beer tonight? This is a rare occurrence. Do the math. That is 120 oz! Dude, sweet.
So the pressure to write about something important is mesmerizing and terrifying. Okay, let's do the rant typical to this blog.
Why I hate infomercials:
The actors hired for infomercials are fucking stupid. I feel like the directors or casting people look for the most fugly ass mother fuckers on the street and say, "Hey, want to make 10 dollars?" And these gross ass fuckers say, "YES!" From weight loss to diabetes, informercials are just fucking stupid. I can't imagine the kind of person who would be swayed by this. Like, OMG a six pack by just sitting in my couch watching the Kardashians? I'm fucking over it.
William Mark Russell exclaims, "Have you or have not you doesn't take any mo' then not mo'?"
Well said Jedi!
WAKE UP IN TOKYO
TOKYO Preview from alex lee on Vimeo.
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I found this beautiful video on my friend's Facebook account. Can I just say I would rob a pre-school to get the funds for a trip to Japan? Seriously, I don't know how much money preschoolers could possibly have on them, but I'd have no problem pistol whipping a teacher in the nose and emptying those diapers pronto!
TOKYO: The food, the people, the sights, the everything! You know the Japanese are some crazy ass mofos! I must go within the next three years.
I will make plans on how to amass that much money as soon as possible. Maybe I'll start a foot massage service. FUCK THAT! Feet are gross.
UGLY LITTLE LIARS
My dumbass is going to watch the premier of season two tonight on ABC family. I know this channel is home to some of the stupidest shit, but I can't help it.
Speaking of bad television and ridiculousness:
I had no idea they could transform what looks like a senior citizen walker into a "body ripper." I can just imagine little tennis balls on the legs of this thing. Seriously? Grandpa never looked so sexy, balls kissing the floor. What's next, strengthures dentures?
Lastly, from afar, this post looks like a horndogging 12-year-old girl wrote it.
Sounds about right.
Midnight Thoughts
Before I drift away I would like to say one thing:
I am grateful for all good things in my life.
Please don't spoil yourself. Save your best for last.
June 13, 2011
Maniac Monday
I've got a day off to sit on the sofa and watch a bunch of videos and movies. My comma button is in a coma so I can't type lists or address anyone or mark a break in a sentence or write quotes. I hate that. I hate trying to write with this disabled keyboard. I know that I should buy a USB keyboard and forget about this mess. But I am too lazy to do that. So for now pardon the awkward grammar.
Tyler has been murdering the speakers in my room for the last month or so. I don't know what the fuck it is about this music but I've gotten pretty violent and rash since OFWGKTA emerged. My roommates are afraid of what I may do. The other night I took a shit out off the balcony onto a pinata party. Surprise! Fecal sprinkles in your fucking disgusting Lucas powder candy shit. Why the fuck was Lucas even popular in the first place? It tasted like sweat. Ass sweat. It tasted like gooch matter or taint residue. I'd imagine enjoying it if I found pleasure in snorting chopped up pubic hair.
Anyway Tyler is the shit. But for how long? I say five months and two weeks exactly. Either way I'm loving it.
Also in case you haven't already heard of this website The Hype Machine (which would be ridiculous) check it out! It's a website that does all the hard work of music discovery for you. LAZY ASSES!
Tyler has been murdering the speakers in my room for the last month or so. I don't know what the fuck it is about this music but I've gotten pretty violent and rash since OFWGKTA emerged. My roommates are afraid of what I may do. The other night I took a shit out off the balcony onto a pinata party. Surprise! Fecal sprinkles in your fucking disgusting Lucas powder candy shit. Why the fuck was Lucas even popular in the first place? It tasted like sweat. Ass sweat. It tasted like gooch matter or taint residue. I'd imagine enjoying it if I found pleasure in snorting chopped up pubic hair.
Anyway Tyler is the shit. But for how long? I say five months and two weeks exactly. Either way I'm loving it.
Also in case you haven't already heard of this website The Hype Machine (which would be ridiculous) check it out! It's a website that does all the hard work of music discovery for you. LAZY ASSES!
June 12, 2011
Mobile Patheticness
I am writing for the fourth time today. This is sad. This is a mobile test to see if I can post to this blog while I'm dropping number twos in a public restrooms outside of my house. Oh, the glory...holes!
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